School trip

Image

For husbands I am prepared to travel 

These two cupids are about to be reunited in Berlin – OkCupid profile updated – husband hunting continues.

I have 3 days – plenty of time to secure myself a Herr Nyangon

Right? RIGHT? PLEASE GOD 

 

Advertisements

Bros before Hoes

Image

Hannah received: 

Hey hun. u ok. I hope we could become mates and get to know each other. 
My names percy. I gotta say you are the definition of beautiful and got beautiful eyes. I hope we have the chance to become good mates and maybe more. I think we would get along well and ill always be here for you whenever you need someone to talk to. I will never ever judge you no matter what and i always try to be a good mate x 

Hypothetical response:

Ok, Stupid, thank you so much hun! When I think about my life what really stands out is that I am chronically lacking platonic male friends. Particularly ones who will always ‘be there’ for me. Next time I need someone to talk to I will for sure log onto a free online dating site, so that I can thrash things out with my non-judgmental mate Percy. 

Unless you are using the word mate in the more scientific sense. Which would make more sense – few friendships are built on ‘beautiful eyes’ alone, but successful courtship of a mate can often be achieved just by checking their pulse and a “No talking” warning.  

Profile highlight:

“Im always there for people no matter what and always put everyone else first.  Looks doesnt bother me.’

Verdict: Sorry Percy, I’m fine for friends and one night stands at the moment. 

What country, friends, is this?

Image

Hannah received: 

Omg, wow , you look adorable.. .. Why you even single, are they all blind or gay where you live? Lol. Hi, how are you? I’ve not been on long, came across your profile, liked what I saw and read, care to stay in touch? … Appreciate a reply xxx 

Hypothetical (albeit, appreciated) response:

Ok, Stupid, I wish I lived there. A place where …

Everyone has an adorable pooch;

Fluorescent colours never go out of fashion;

I never spend £29 on moisturizer again (whose with me ladies??);

Presumably, all the blind people are deaf as well? Or is there nothing I could possibly say that would ever attract someone if they couldn’t see me? And what about the other women on this mythical land? Are there any lesbians? Or are they all pretty and dim, like me? A big lonely sorority house where we pass our days having pillow fights and ‘experimenting’. Just waiting for a slightly overweight, balding man in his early forties to come and rescue us from the tyrannical rule of the homosexuals and the visually impaired.

Careful though, make sure they don’t catch you. Imagine prison life round here. Half the inmates permanently carry a weapon and the other half … well, make sure you don’t drop the soap! We know what these gays are like!

Profile highlight:

“My phone” “Internet” “Working” – top 3 of ‘The six things I could never do without’

Verdict: Sorry, I am afraid I won’t be staying in touch. You would have been disappointed anyway. I am not adorable. I am a ruthless bitch. Lol.

If at first you don’t succeed … make a rapey joke!

So. VampirePirateUK already holds the dubious honor of being mentioned twice already on this (soon to be) award-winning blog. 

First, for his racist message message (#1) about being ‘black where it counts’ 

Second, for his username (bronze winner of ‘Worst names of all time’) 

And now he has decided to try his luck again, with a HI-LARIOUS joke 

Image

 

I don’t know, maybe you poke her in the face with your aforementioned big black cock? When are you free for a drink??? 

 

Thanks Ryan, you really are the gift that keeps on giving. You fucking psychopath. 

“I only read it for the articles”

Image

Hannah received: 

Hi, 

I am Greg, a 30 year old publisher from London. 

I just read your profile and you seem like an interesting girl. What type of food are you into? What kind of films do you like? 

Greg x

Hypothetical response:

Ok, Stupid, aside from the tedious questions (“Hannah and Greg knew they were meant to be when they discovered their shared love of Indian food and Rom Coms!”) it may not be immediately obvious why I have picked you out as my latest subject (victim). 

What I take offence to here is the claim that you have ‘read’ my profile, from which you have deducted that I am an ‘interesting’ girl. Because, you cannot read my profile, Greg, my profile is empty of words. My lack of an ‘About Me’ section, in my mind, implies the opposite of ‘interesting’. The Hannah of Ok Cupid! is a 22 year old student, living in London, who likes wearing bikinis, make-up and short dresses. She has no opinions, no ambitions, no interests, no hobbies. She is a mannequin for flattering outfits set against a backdrop of beaches and club scenes. 

Given this context, Greg, your message now seems rather STUPID doesn’t it? Because either you are moron who thinks with his dick which, to be fair, does not have the necessary functions to distinguish between words and images, or, you think that I am so pretty-but-dim that I will be flattered by your non-superficial compliment – that I will read it and think, “Wow, he’s not like the other guys! I’ll message Greg back for sure.”  

But, don’t worry, you aren’t the only one. To date all messages received can be sorted into 3 categories: 

10% OkStupid! walk of fame

50% Run-of-the-mill Perv (Hey sexy!) 

40% Dazed and confused (You seem like such an interesting girl – would love to get to know you better :-)) 

Greg, you should know better. You are an editor. You earn (as you have not at all crudely stated in your description) good money to READ WORDS. You have no excuse. 

Profile highlight:

“I want to see as much of the world as possible and to learn about different people, cultures and societies.”

Verdict: I just read looked at your profile pictures and you seem like an interesting girl  a girl I would like to sleep with. What type of food / music/ books/ TV shows/ movies are you into? <Insert second generic foreplay question here> 

 

 

Daily Dose of Perv

ImageImage

Image

 

Verdict: Weirdly he did not reply after this. Win some, lose some. 

What’s in a name?

katie-hopkins-this-morning-showbizSetting up a dating profile is undeniably stressful.

How do I want my profile picture, slutty or pretty? (pretty) Shall I include the bikini shot or will people think I am vain? (yes – they would be accurate) What ARE the ‘Six things I could never live without’? (literally who gives a shit? what does this even mean? And the number of people who include ‘Gum’ in their list is astounding).

But one thing is simple: usernames.

HannahAlice91 LukeSonny92 – first name, middle name, year of birth. Easy.

So the fact that 90% of Stupid Cupids manage to totally fuck up their profile just on username alone is ridiculous. You could be my dream man (Idris Elba) – sexy, funny, clever (blah blah) but if you are calling yourself Ebony_Stud then we are not going to get along.

Here are the top 10 terrible usernames of people who have thought they would try their luck with xxxChOcOHuNixxx (i.e. moi):

10. RabRab1 (Jewish, clearly, but disappointingly not an actual Rabbi)

9. Aratherniceman (46 year old who I have had to block because he kept messaging me)

8. sunset_sunrise (not a 13 year old Chinese girl as the name would suggest)

7. lusciousxxx (no profile picture, I suspect he is a liar)

6. AnotherGo666 (looks and writes like a serial killer)

5. DungeonMasterA  (DungeonMaster was clearly already taken)

4. othellomercutio (not black)

3. VampirePirateUK (albino of ‘black where it counts’ fame)

2. AGuyNamedDarren(DK_God3) (one of the ugliest people you will ever see in your life – AGuyNamedElephantMan would be more appropriate)

1. ProudBritish88 (what on EARTH do you want with me? This isn’t a tan you know!)

I have found Him

Wide awake on Sunday morning, not hungover, what better way to pass the time than by taking advantage of Ok Cupid’s ‘Chat’ function

ImageImage

Image

Image

Image

Profile highlight: ‘Currently I’m working in a City Investment bank and trying to train for a triathlon!’

Verdict: Christ almighty. Church is more fun that this. Get me to a nunnery.

But where are you FROM from? (aka, Racist message #3)

Ok, Stupid, I was prepared to give you the benefit of the doubt. I was going to overlook the smilies and the username (a Guy Ritchie film … how cool!)  … until … 

Image

Verdict: Sorry, not being racist but, I just don’t find people from Norfolk attractive 

Special Relationship

 Image

Hannah received: 

Hi. I’m from the states, here in London for a conference. Seems like I should be doing something fun, right? I’ll probably just hang around online, drink a whiskey, and watch tv. What are you up to?

Hypothetical response:

Ok, Stupid, you are right, you should be ‘doing’ something ‘fun’. I am on my way over to your hotel room right now. 

Unless you would prefer to see some of the other delights that London would have to offer? You Yanks love ol’ Lizzy, so I suggest a trip to Buckingham Palace! Take a walk around Hyde Park and then exit onto Knightsbridge and visit Harrods, where you can buy some lovely, guilt-free gifts for your wife. Out of curiosity – is she young enough to be your daughter too??? 

Profile highlight:

“in London for 24 hours only

Verdict: Sorry, I’m a republican (and NOT in the way that you understand that)